*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
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my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.