A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
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My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.