[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.