I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
What the dentist sees
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what