when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
seems like a niche market
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I missed you with all my darts
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.