“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
when you don’t want to be too vague
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem