You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
You Might Also Like
I鈥檓 trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday鈥檚 will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can鈥檛 go anywhere.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you鈥檒l agree it鈥檚 one hell of an opening.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I鈥檇 like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that鈥檚 cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he鈥檚 clearly a monster right
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
馃槀 amazing answer
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I鈥檓 giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.