If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
You Might Also Like
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“and how does that make you feel?”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?