me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”