My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Life hack
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…