[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
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When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is