As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”