[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
This is Sparta
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Cashiers are always checking me out
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.