My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
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Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Duck typos.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again