HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
is this a warning or an offer?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take