There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
best review i’ve ever seen
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this