Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.