CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine