mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
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Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?