Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
You Might Also Like
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
How all things should be taught/explained.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*