My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
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Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb