If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on