Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir