Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point