Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
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God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.