I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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Pringles
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet