Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.