I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*