You Might Also Like
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?