My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
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me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
#JohnTravolta
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.