Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him