HR said no more nunchucks.
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Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
They grow up so quick
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.