When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet