There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.