BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Canadian owl: Eh?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy