*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
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A leaf blower, but for people.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop