Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
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Okay me first
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors