Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
You Might Also Like
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.