Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
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i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs