Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
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every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Tremendous stuff
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
still the best tweet of the year by far
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.