Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
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therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out