My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
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Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
this is literally a CIA plant
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️