[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I was just discussing this with my cat
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations