Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Thank you corporation very cool
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city