Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
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You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.