[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
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When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then