Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I am a gravy boat captain
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.