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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”