I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
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I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough