Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.